This Is The End

My name is Timothy Lee Avers. I'm a high school and college graduate. I am a 38 years old father of two daughters whom I have baptized into Christ and who are accomplished students and young people. I've had the same source of income for going on six years now. I oversee 8-12 contractors and a geographical territory of roughly a third of a US state. I initiated these contracts, trained the contractors, and in the event that one of these contractors has problems, I work through the issues and terminate contracts if necessary. I'm good enough with these people that I haven't had to do that in more than five years.

In August of last year I began volunteering with a national organization called Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) for Children. In this role, I help children in foster care and the judicial system that protects them. When the behavior of an adult or a child leads that child to be taken into state custody, I may be appointed by the court to investigate the case and help set plans that protect the child or children and promote one or more future options for the family. In the past six months I've helped more than a half-dozen such children. I hope to be able to continue to do this for the rest of my life.

All of that being said, there is still one person who was formerly a big part of my life who will always see me as an incompetent child. Today, after reflecting on positive reactions to some of his negative behavior over the past two and a half years (in the abstract, without naming names), he drove the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. Although I have continued to display support for him and his efforts for self-improvement, I have never been invited back to his table, literally or metaphorically, since he had what I as his friend view as a personal crisis back in 2010.

I understand why the last several years have been difficult for Gavin. Gavin is a decent person who does good to the best of his ability. I acknowledge this and I respect him for it. But like all of us, Gavin makes mistakes. I'm not going to go into what happened between Gavin and others, because that's between him and them. I'm simply going to tell my side of the story that led to me being cast out of fellowship with Gavin.

After an initial tiff between a couple of our friends spilled over, I approached Gavin to attempt to broker peace. Gavin and I initially exchanged pleasantries, but the conversation veered rather quickly into personal insults against friends to whom we had been close for many years. Most of these were people to whom Gavin introduced me! So that all seemed rather odd. I got his side of the story without passing judgment, and Gavin said a couple things to me that were telling about what was really under his skin. We parted ways friends.

A month or so later, I was trying to organize an activity and without warning, Gavin decided to try to do the same for the same night with some of the same people. Gavin then got upset with me, claiming I was interfering in his schedule, as though I should never try to plan anything for Fridays because that was a night he might want to do something, if he felt like it. Gavin left me a very patronizing voice mail, treated me a like a child, and strongly implied I should change my plans. The plans went on without him and a couple of the people I'd invited. Nonetheless, I thought that the whole thing would blow over by our annual retreat, Lost Weekend, a couple months later.

It didn't. Moreover, Gavin had people over to the house within those months and I was never invited over again. (Ever. And have not been in two and a half subsequent years.)

After that there were months of silence and then I had a friend who was looking for an MC for a college commencement. I saw this as a potential opportunity for Gavin and also a possible olive branch. The gig never developed and the peace offering was basically rejected.

Perhaps a year went by and our friend Tracy's father passed away. A musical celebration of his life was planned at the home of Gavin's parents and there was some debate about any of us being around Gavin. But, of course, our compassion for Tracy and his family outweighed our ambivalence toward Gavin and we all went. Again, there was a great deal of patronizing behavior. It reminded me of how disappointed I'd been when Gavin had not sent flowers for the funeral of our co-worker and employee Kevin's mother's funeral.

During the spring of 2012, Gavin announced that he was planning to go on a mission trip and he and his band played a couple benefit shows in Franklin, TN. The kids and I attended and contributed to the cause. We were acknowledged but that's about as far as it went.

Throughout all of this, I suffered and sacrificed for the betterment of my friends. Even though I knew I'd been rejected for remaining close to the side of the split opposite Gavin, I remained friendly with those on Gavin's side as best as I could. One friend helped with a film project on which I was working. I ran into and was friendly with another of our old gang. But privately, I was deeply hurt. I felt betrayed and abandoned. What had I done to Gavin? This was a man who had helped me through one of the darkest periods in my life, and now he was gone for no more than my little effort at peacemaking. I didn't understand and did not want to accept this reality. I knew that there was no consideration for my feelings or thoughts on the matter. I was "an idiot" in Gavin's mind according to one friend who had talked to him. That was hurtful, but I've been called worse. But maybe not by somebody I cared about as much.

It entered my mind that for years that Gavin, and perhaps some of the rest, had never been my friends. You have to understand that I'd never felt completely comfortable around my game store comrades, particularly my bosses. But I'd always chalked it up to my issues with my dad and general difficulty trusting people. Was I right all along, however, in this instance? Had I never been accepted? It certainly seemed consistent with the dismissive, patronizing way Gavin had approached me. The way I'd been dropped off the Christmas party invitation, etc.

Had we ever really been friends?

I was a 35 year old man when the split occurred. A man. Not a child. Like everyone else, I'd made my share of mistakes. I was divorced. I'd spent two years living with my parents getting back on my feet. My work had been sporadic. But I was not "an idiot." There was no fundamental flaw in my intellect or character. I was not some social or moral indigent. But Gavin treated and treats me as one. And the time for that was long passed if it were ever appropriate.

So the big catalyst was our friend Brian without reservation expressing love for Gavin. And when I posted something online, that Brian really had forgiven even if he didn't get it, and that forgiveness was something I needed to work on, all Gavin understood from that exchange was he was being accused of betraying and abandoning us. Well, sorry old friend, but that's exactly what two and a half years of being uninvited to your home, of being excluded from activities, of having friends forced to make a choice between you and the rest of us feels like. No, not just feels like...

You betrayed and abandoned us by definition. You can blame everyone else for it but it is ON YOU. You chose. You acted time and time again. And it's far past time that somebody told you.

You know what? Maybe at the start you had some small point to make, that our group of friends wasn't fulfilling or enlightening for you. Well, any of us could have said that because guess what? That's not what friendship is about. The Chub Squad was not a self-help group or church. And if you didn't want to be around us that was your prerogative. But it was not necessary for you to belittle, demean, and otherwise damage the friendships of the rest of the group. It was uncalled for for you to make people feel like they were wrong or small for making their own decisions about their lives. And it was arrogant beyond imagination if you actually bore guilt for any of us not being something different than what we were and are.

My friendship with Gavin, as it has lingered in this half-dead state for the better part of three years, is over. This was NOT MY DOING. It was his. I have not been invited to the table for three years. I have displayed nothing but a spirit of peacemaking and self-sacrifice. I have held on to be as good an example as I can. I have prayed for all parties and will continue to pray.

THIS IS MY TESTAMENT that my words and thoughts will not be treated lightly or carelessly. That I will not be deemed unsound or immature. Most importantly, this is the truth.

God be with you all and farewell to some.

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine
That thou canst never once reflect
On Old long syne
-from the old Scots verse