For some reason these just flowed off my electronic pen last night...
10. Plug ears with cotton. It may sound old-fashioned, but simply nodding at every inane thing to come out of your third-cousin's mouth might just work.
9. Fake seizure/heart attack. Chances are somebody is going to be dragged away by an EMT, so why shouldn't it be you?
8. Fade into alcohol-soaked daze. Far more appetizing than the alternative of discussing Great-aunt Mimi's latest round of nether-region surgeries, I suggest early shots of Jaeger or Goldschlogger.
7. Go into "weird-uncle/aunt" mode." Like #9, there's one in every family, and especially if you enjoy cross dressing, this might be yours'.
6. Torrette's syndrome. There's a good chance you'll end up with this mania as it is, so to simply shorten the span to the inevitable is pretty acceptable. Always start around the children or the elderly for best long-term results.
5. Bring an inappropriate date. The bigger the holiday, the better this one. For maximum effect, wear complimentary airbrushed t-shirts, engagement rings, and make out at really inappropriate times/places (ex. while rolling around under the table during grace at dinner)
4. Constantly down sugar pills. Great when used in combination with #8 or #6.
3. Find a corner to sleep in. Although faking narcolepsy has recently also been suggested, simply catching up on much needed rest is actually far more rewarding, particularly after a trying week in the office (see "Tips for surviving Work").
2. Bring a book only you're interested in. I find Gray's Anatomy to be an excellent selection, but biographies of Otto Von Bismarck, those little saddle-stitched diet books from the checkout line, and middle-school sex ed texts may also have the required zip.
1. Say first thing that enters your mind. Particularly effective if you have overtly whore-ish younger relatives or obese ones in denial.
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